Dear God,
You have been good no? I know you are well because the universe is still spinning. I am happy to be a part of this generation and I felt the need to tell you HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. I REALLY DO. And I want the whole world to know (No pun intended). For some reason I have this burning need to hug you literally, Hold your hand and jump up and down for no reason at all…. O if only I could. Well anyway, I guess its enough to just say I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH 🙂
Dear God, Two days ago, I finished an almost impossible task. One hundred and twenty days of celibacy!! Now I know 120 days sounds easy for most people and I won’t begrudge anyone for thinking so but for a touchy “feely” person like me, it meant all my will power. As always, it was a decision taken on the spur of the moment. I had just watched a film in which the protagonist had taken on a challenge of being celibate for 40 days. At first, I thought it was funny and corny but the next day at work, I started to give the idea some serious thought and I began to analyze the pros and cons of a project of this magnitude. I however thought 40 days was too short if I was going to embark on a project like that, (seeing as how the idea had already started take root in my mind). 90 days felt like the ideal number but then my “be the very best you can be” personality took over thus, I took it up a notch. A hundred and twenty days sounded unsurmountable especially when I had raised the stakes to not only celibacy but also no intimacies whatsoever. It meant, no cuddling, smooching, kissing, heavy touchy hugging, and also, no emotional attachments.
Father, when I took on this task, I was looking forward to a hundred and twenty days of pure fun! But, as always, you had very different plans for me. You just had to play chess with this one too. Better still you had to have a laugh out of me… I must admit this time around I kinda sorta enjoyed your pranks. Anyways, so the first few weeks was fun. It seemed easy and all I had to do was turn a blind eye to certain advances. But just when I was beginning to get a hang of it, the unthinkable happened!!! You orchestrated a meeting with a certain young man who I would have totally errrrrm “you know what” if I wasn’t in a celibacy commitment. So instead of  “that” we just talked. I learn’t a lot about him, and I want to believe he learnt something about me. Over time we have become such good friends and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I remember, in the beginning, I kept saying OMG!!! why did you let me meet this person at this time? I thought your timing sucked but as usual you were up to something.
Dear God, I have always said your way of teaching me is strange especially when the writing is not on the wall. This is one of those life changing periods. The real lesson began when a “certain person” suddenly found his way back into my life. I hadn’t spoken to him since he got “married” and there really was no reason to. But somehow, on a particular day, you deftly disrupted all my plans and all my help until finally, somehow he had to show…. I must give that to you…. job well done. Anyway, as it always happens, a few hours of help turned into days of calls of ” O I just called to say hi’s” and “O I was in Jersey City can I stop by to say hello’s”, to “I need to talk to you right now”. It was all good in the beginning and then suddenly it started to feel like we were back in the day again. Interestingly, I wasn’t even aware that I still held grudges against him. I was confident that I had forgiven fully. But suddenly, I wanted to hurt him badly just like he had me…. not only physically, but emotionally too. I am not sure where that feeling came from but I suddenly could see through him, and all the lies and I wanted to play his game. So after a couple of weeks of dragging and pushing him around, I decided I was satisfied but not until I exerted my “sexual” powers over him. I gotta tell ya, the “yang” in me was starting to show.  As a very good friend of mine likes to say, everyone has a good and bad side and depending on which side is being fed the most, a person becomes good or bad. I believe my bad side was being fed at the time. And in my bid to hurt a person I once loved, I forgot I was on a celibacy vow. Knowing him, I didn’t have to work hard and I am sure he knew what he was trying to get too. Well, I must say here that I am glad you smacked me right in the mind before things got out of hand. And I am glad I escaped that temptation even though I started it. This episode was the single life changing experience for the last quarter of 2010. Anyway, I remember telling him to go home to his wife after apologizing. Admittedly I felt no remorse then, I felt powerful and all  could really do was laugh after he’d gone.
Dear God, the real lesson came after a while when I was laying in bed alone with my thoughts. You crept silently into my heart as usual and made me realize that I hadn’t really forgiven him even though I kept lying to myself that I had. You even went further through friends and family to make me realize I hadn’t forgiven his family and what I thought they had put me through. I broke down and cried albeit angrily. The feeling of guilt hung over me for days on end. Just when I was getting a hang of my misery, you actually orchestrated to bring a certain “elderly woman” back into my life. This woman was like a mother to me and I learnt lots of things about life from her. But blood is thicker than water so when she stuck with her son, I thought nothing of it. I didn’t realize that somewhere deep in my heart, I had not even confronted the nitty gritty’s of the issues that assuaged us all. Suddenly, the calls were not as often as before and I could sense the deceit and guilt in her voice. Everything started to make sense. And I wanted to kick my self for not seeing all this time that I was just a pawn in a game. I couldn’t understand why anyone would take something so genuine and decide to ruin it only for their purposes and still find the courage to laugh in your face and pretend to be your friend. Â In my confusion, you told me to look at this celibacy project as a road to recovery. And then, just when I was struggling with forgiveness, you hit me with a situation of faith. Mama got seriously sick and the agony of not being there physically was too much to handle. I’d wake-up feeling helpless and powerless. Folks at home won’t tell me the truth about what was wrong with her, and daddy, especially daddy whom I trust blindly withholds information from me. I mean really? Then, one morning, during my quiet time, you drew my attention to Job’s story and how he still trusted you. ” God giveth and he taketh”. You have lovingly led me into forgiving old events, seeing things from the issues and not the people that made them, embracing everyday like it was my last and risking to forge new relationships and friendships no matter what. So very slowly but knowingly, you gave me life again.
Daddy, This road has been long but worthwhile. I believe more, I love unashamedly, I trust you unshakenly, I see you clearly and most importantly, you are not silent anymore. The world around me smiles more because the grudges and hurt slowly found their way out whiles you filled my hurt with sunshine. Finally, On my very last day of my 120 days, you gave me the most powerful message. ” THE WITNESS MUST COME FIRST” And for me, the last three years has been my witness. The people, I let loose through your guidance, the ones I embraced each day without knowing, you have quietly taught me that contrary to what I have been led to believe, Love grows in strength. In confrontation and transformation, love is preserved. No situation should turn me for worse. YOU PRESERVED ME!!
Dear God, I read in a book that, the day man allows true love and forgiveness to appear, there will be total confusion. Everything we believe to be right and everything pure will fall into disarray. No wonder my life crumpled. You have also taught me that this force called forgiveness exists to teach us how to love again, bring us closer to you, ourselves and our neighbors, yet given the way love and forgiveness has been used and abused now, we enjoy one hour of anxiety for every minute of peace and a smile.
Dear God, thank you for making me truly forgive and for leading me to understand that when I was broken, and had nothing more to lose, I actually gained everything( character and strength). When I ceased to be who I thought I was, I found myself. When I went through humiliation and betrayal, and yet kept walking, I understood that I am free to choose my destiny. And I am not ashamed to reconcile my with my past and move on. Â I now know that only in war can a person live and be free. I understand my story and I ask no more questions. Not because I have resigned myself to my “fate” whatever that may be, but because I am more confident that I am a better person and no matter how bad it gets, the universe will always go on with or without me. And most importantly, the universe owes me nothing. I owe it to you, and to the universe to live fully. Thus, I will teach and learn as much as I can. I will forgive everyday even if I don’t feel it at first. The world will not always be kind to me, nor will it be fair. But I am confident you will always give me strength even when I get to my lowest.
I remain, your ever evolving daughter
Zoebaraka